I can't imagine what I was thinking when I decided to 'create' Nigel Parsimonious Trenchfoote... In case you're wondering, he's the shifty looking seagull on the cover of the book I recently published on Amazon Kindle (The Testing of Archie Rathbone). After spending the last forty-or-so years as a gull, and briefly reverting to his former self (and occupation) he has escaped from the pages of my book (goodness knows how that happened) and is now at large. I hold myself entirely responsible for this, and can only apologise. However, the great British public, and those beyond our shores will I’ve no doubt rise to the challenge and help me to keep a careful and guarded eye out for this loathsome miscreant, and notify one and all of his whereabouts. I feel I must emphasise – on no account lend him any money (no matter what sob-story he spins you).

Yours apologetically

AH

Monday 2 July 2012

The Psychology of Trenchfoote

I see from this morning's papers that those two petty criminals from Dribbling-in-the Marsh have already been up in front of a Judge. Any tendency His Honour might have had toward leniency was understandably offset by these characters' refusal (or inability) to identfy the ring-leader responsible for planning their Post Office raid. Worse still (for them at least), their insistence that the mastermind behind the raid was a Herring Gull was interpretted by the Judiciary as blatant Contempt of Court, as a result of which Albert 'Knuckles' Battersby and Terrence 'Bra and Panties' Lampwick will both now be guests of Her Majesty for quite a while...

But what of Trenchfoote? I hear you ask...

Well, sources affiliated to the Amalgamated Slug Fanciers and Snail Polishers Union (with whom I am on cordial terms) claim to have spotted the arch-criminal picking over a discarded chicken vindaloo in a village just outside Bury Saint Edmunds.

Let's consider the psychology of this bird: He first took his current form as a result of inadvisedly crossing paths with Messrs Bolt, Upright & Clench (Tailors to the discerning since 1746). It was during this period that he developed a deep and enduring hatred of crabs (for further explanation, please refer to The Testing of Archie Rathbone). He was obviously possessed of a criminal mind prior to this event, however the experience seems to have unhinged him. During the succeeding four decades his natural antisocial tendencies seem to have matured into full-blown sociopathy. Apart from crabs, we know that he is hostile towards the Tailors (Bolt, Upright & Clench), and is also understood not to think too highly of the forces of law and order. Quite what his feelings are towards Mr Archie Rathbone is unclear. Similarly, the agents of ALIRTS.

Hence, whether Trenchfoote is just aimlessly roaming the countryside of eastern England, or whether his current activity is a carefully planned prelude to his next abominable crime may become clearer as time passes. Meanwhile, I can only urge you all to remain vigilant!
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